My God, I trust in You

 

March 8
God, God, I would not, not despair, do not want, no, insulting your infinite goodness, but, despite all efforts to trust, feel me, vivid and clear, the dark picture of your neglect and your refusal.My God, I trust, but this trust is full of fears, and it is this that makes me bitter grief.Oh my God, if I could convince myself, although minimally, that this state is not a rejection of you and that I did not offend you, I'd be willing to suffer, and a hundredfold, this martyrdom.My God, my God ... have mercy on me!Father, help me with your prayers and those of others. How would not feel this pain bitter! I left everything to please God, a thousand times would have given my life to seal my love for him, and now, oh God, what I find bitter experience in the depths of the heart that he is angry with me, and I can not , find peace in my misfortune. My heart tends irresistibly and with a vengeance to his Lord, but an iron hand always rejects me ... Imagine a poor shipwrecked, clinging to a life raft, whom every wave and every gust of wind threatened to drown.Or, imagine my state of mind similar to a death row inmate who feels continually beating heart because he expects to be led to the gallows in a moment's notice. And this state I suffer in the darkest night, when I work harder than ever to find my God.(February 20, 1922, at St. Mark P. Benedict in Lamis - Letters. I, p.1263)