A very great confusion fills me completely

July 17

There are times when temptations assail me violent against faith. I'm sure it will not accept them, but the fantasy is so turned on and the temptation which turns in the mind, is presented with such clear colors that presents sin as something not only indifferent, but nice.Hence also all those thoughts born of despair, distrust, despair and even - do not fear, father, for charity - thoughts of blasphemy. I was horrified at such struggle and strive always tremble, and I am sure, by the grace of God, not fall.Add further to this the dark picture of past life in which there is more than my misery and my ingratitude to God. I feel my spirit is broken with pain, and a very great confusion fills me completely. I feel, therefore, as placed under a harsh media and as if all the bones are shredded and separated from each other.And this operation so hard feel, not only in the recesses of the spirit but also in the body. And here I find myself strong fear that God may not be the author of this strange phenomenon, because if it was him, how would explain the physical mess? I do not know if this is possible. (July 16, 1917, Fr Benedict of San Marco in Lamis - Letters. I, p. 909)