Oct. 29

All bodily and spiritual ills agree to torment me. I am troubled in spirit. I would not say pray, that would be too, but I have a thought about God, but in this situation, everything is impossible. I am full of imperfections, all the anger I felt before I leave absolutely. I look faintest to practice virtue, to resist the attacks of the enemy. Now, more than ever, I'm convinced that I'm good at all. I assaulted a deep sadness and a terrible thought crosses my mind: that of being a dreamer without realizing it.God only knows what torment is this for me! Perhaps the Lord, I think, may permit, as a punishment for my infidelities, I unwittingly deceive me myself and my spiritual directors?And what to do to overcome this doubt, when, for a light that's in my soul, I know perfectly my many falls, you'll always unintentionally falling, despite the many treasures of the Lord that I have in me?!
What I find truly and clearly is that my heart even then, loves much, much more than it reveals my understanding. Of this there is no doubt assails me, and I am so sure to love it, after the truths of faith, nothing else I'm sure as this.
In this situation, I can say for sure is that I do not offend God more than usual because, thank goodness, trust in him will not ever lose. As the Lord comes to visit, all this was happening, my understanding is full of light, the strength and all the good wishes I feel revived in me and even bodily diseases I am quite relieved.
(November 1, 1913, to Father Benedict of San Marco in Lamis - Ep. I, p. 420)