A condemned man

March 8

 God, God, I do not, no despair, no love, no, insulting your infinite goodness, but, despite all efforts to rely on, feel me, vivid and clear, the dark picture of your neglect and your rejection.
My God, I trust, but this confidence is full of fears, and it is this that makes me bitter grief.
Oh my God, if I could convince me, though minimally, that this state is not a rejection of you and I did not offend you, be prepared to suffer, and a hundredfold this martyrdom.
My God, my God ... have mercy on me!
Father, help me with your prayers and those of others.How would not feel this bitter grief! I left everything to please God, a thousand times would have given my life to seal my love for him, and now, oh God, what I find bitter experience in the depths of the heart that he is angry with me, and I can not, , find peace in my misfortune. My heart tends irresistibly and with a vengeance to his Lord, but an iron hand always rejects me ... Imagine a poor castaway, clinging to a lifeline, to whom every wave and every gust of wind threatens to drown it.
Or, imagine my state of mind like that of a condemned man, who feels continually beating heart because waiting to be led to death from one moment to another. And this state makes me suffer in the darkest night, when I try harder than ever to find my God.
(20 February 1922, Father Benedict of San Marcos in Lamis Letters. I, p.1263)