If you could understand this martyrdom

March 1

Any failure, even minimal, I make, is to the soul a sword of sorrow which pierces his heart. At times I am compelled to exclaim with the apostle, but, alas!, Not with the same perfection "no longer I who live," for I feel that someone is me.Another effect of this grace is that my life is becoming a cruel martyrdom, and only find comfort in myself to live for Jesus' sake, though, alas!, My father, again I feel the penalty solace in certain times is unbearable, because the soul would want whole life was strewn with crosses and persecution.These natural events, as would be eating, drinking, sleeping, are very painful for me. The soul, in this state, groaning because the hours pass too slow for her. At the end of each day feels like a heavy burden lightened and very relieved, but at the time to relapse back into a deep sadness, thinking that you have many days of exile, and it is precisely in those moments when the soul wants to cry "Oh life, how cruel you are to me!, how long you are! Oh life, you are no longer living for myself but torment! O death, is not afraid of you know who can, as we open for you life! ".Before the Lord favored me with this grace, the pain of my sin, the sorrow she felt at seeing so offended the Lord, the fullness of affection he had for God, were not so intense as to make me out of myself, and sometimes, for it seems unbearable the pain, I took off my chest with excruciating cries, unable to contain myself. But after this grace, the pain has become even more acute, until the heart be like jumping from side to side.Now I think I understand how hard it was the martyrdom of our beloved Mother, which I had previously been possible. Oh, if men could understand this martyrdom! Who managed to suffer with our dear redeemer? Who would deny the beautiful title "Queen of martyrs"?(July 7, 1913, Fr Benedict of San Marcos in Lamis - Letters. I, p. 381)