Sept. 17
Where, Lord, that I can better serve you in the cloister and under the banner of the Poverello of Assisi? And he, seeing my embarrassment, smiled, smiled for a long time, and this smile in my heart left ineffable sweetness, sometimes it really felt to me, I seemed to see his shadow, and my flesh, my whole being, was glad in Salvador, in his God.And then I felt two forces within me, who fought each other and that lacerated heart. The world that I wanted for himself, and God, who called me to a new life. My God, who can now show that internal martyrdom took place in me?The only memory of that internal struggle, which was then in me, makes my blood run cold in his veins, and that they have passed, or are to spend twenty years.I felt the duty to obey the voice of you, true God and good!, But yours and mine enemies tyrannized me, I dislocated bones, mocked me and I contorcían guts!I wanted to obey you, my God, my husband. This was always the feeling that prevailed in my mind and in my heart, but where they could gather forces crush, with a firm and determined, first false flattery, then the tyranny of a world that is not yours?You know, Lord, the bitter tears I shed in front of you in those days luctuosísimos! You know, God, my soul: the groans of my heart, tears coming down from these eyes. You had undeniable proof of those tears and expressing it, remaining soaked pillow. Wanted and always wanted to obey, but life caught me. I wanted to die rather than stop responding to your call.But you, Lord, you made your child experience the full effects of a real abandonment, you got up at last, I stretched out your mighty hand and took me to the place where I'd previously already called. We are given, God, infinite praise and thanksgiving.You here I hid in the eyes of all, but even then you've committed to your child a very great mission, a mission that only you and me is known. My God, my Father!, How I mapped to this mission?!I do not know. But maybe I just should have done more, and this is the reason for the current concern of my heart.Restlessness I feel to be inside me agigantando these days of spiritual retreat.
(November 1922, the sisters Campanile - Letters. III, p. 1005)
Where, Lord, that I can better serve you in the cloister and under the banner of the Poverello of Assisi? And he, seeing my embarrassment, smiled, smiled for a long time, and this smile in my heart left ineffable sweetness, sometimes it really felt to me, I seemed to see his shadow, and my flesh, my whole being, was glad in Salvador, in his God.And then I felt two forces within me, who fought each other and that lacerated heart. The world that I wanted for himself, and God, who called me to a new life. My God, who can now show that internal martyrdom took place in me?The only memory of that internal struggle, which was then in me, makes my blood run cold in his veins, and that they have passed, or are to spend twenty years.I felt the duty to obey the voice of you, true God and good!, But yours and mine enemies tyrannized me, I dislocated bones, mocked me and I contorcían guts!I wanted to obey you, my God, my husband. This was always the feeling that prevailed in my mind and in my heart, but where they could gather forces crush, with a firm and determined, first false flattery, then the tyranny of a world that is not yours?You know, Lord, the bitter tears I shed in front of you in those days luctuosísimos! You know, God, my soul: the groans of my heart, tears coming down from these eyes. You had undeniable proof of those tears and expressing it, remaining soaked pillow. Wanted and always wanted to obey, but life caught me. I wanted to die rather than stop responding to your call.But you, Lord, you made your child experience the full effects of a real abandonment, you got up at last, I stretched out your mighty hand and took me to the place where I'd previously already called. We are given, God, infinite praise and thanksgiving.You here I hid in the eyes of all, but even then you've committed to your child a very great mission, a mission that only you and me is known. My God, my Father!, How I mapped to this mission?!I do not know. But maybe I just should have done more, and this is the reason for the current concern of my heart.Restlessness I feel to be inside me agigantando these days of spiritual retreat.
(November 1922, the sisters Campanile - Letters. III, p. 1005)
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